How to Cope With in Laws During the Holidays

How to Cope With in Laws During the Holidays

Three Parts:

Having the Right Attitude

Staying Busy

Keeping It CordialCommunity Q&A

So maybe you’re not exactly looking forward to hearing your mother-in-law criticize you for not having children yet for the millionth time – or to having to sit down and wade through your father-in-law’s entire stamp collection. But adjusting your expectations and staying polite – and busy – during the holidays with your in-laws can help you keep an even head, and maybe even have some fun along the way. So how do you survive the holidays with your in-laws – without dropping the turkey or kicking over that Christmas tree? Read on to find out.

Part1

Having the Right Attitude

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    Adjust your expectations. This doesn’t mean that you should be happy if your mother-in-law criticizes you less than ten times an hour. However, it does mean that your spouse’s family is not your own, and that his parents, siblings, and other family members may have traditions, beliefs, and perspectives that are quite different from what you grew up with. Your family probably seems just as weird to your spouse as his family seems to you; maybe his father isn’t as much fun as yours, but he can be just as kind. Know that you’re not going to have the amazing time that you expect to have with your own family, but believe that you can manage to have some fun if you don’t expect amazing things to happen.[1]
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    Accept the differences. Get used to the fact that your spouse’s family is quite different from yours, which can include everything from their religion to their love or hatred for watching football during the big meal. You can’t change your in-laws, but you can change the way you approach the ways in which they are different from your own family. Don’t tell raunchy jokes if they are conservative, and don’t talk about how much you love your gun if they are liberal. Remember that, while you are still family, you are still technically the outsider, and you should be the one who has to adjust to what they think is normal.

    • The sooner you accept that you and your in-laws are different people, the easier it will be to stop being frustrated.
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    Remember that your in-laws made your spouse. This may be hard to remember when you’re fighting with your mother-in-law about the right way to bake an apple pie, but in the end, the two people in front of you, however annoying or unpleasant they may be, have raised your spouse. They must have influenced him in some positive way and have given him some positive traits — it’s impossible to not be influenced at all by your parents, isn’t it? The next time your in-laws annoy you just remember that they are the parents of your spouse, however imperfect they may be.
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    Don’t complain about hanging out with them beforehand. Nothing will set the tone worse than complaining about the fact that you have to spend time with your in-laws in front of your spouse. How is this supposed to make him or her feel? Sure, your relationship with your in-laws may not be perfect, but if you already agreed to spend time with them, then what’s the point of making a big stink about it? This will only make your spouse feel worse and will make him or her either lose faith in his or her family, or turn on you to defend his or her parents. Either way, it leads to no good.[2]

    • Think about it: how would it make you feel to hear your spouse criticize your own parents? Sure, you’re aware of their flaws, but you love them with all your heart.
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    Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. At the end of the day, you’ll go home — or retire to the guest bedroom — with your spouse, not with your mother and father in-law (thankfully). This means that you should stay on the same team as your partner, trying to make things as easy as possible for everyone and not turn on each other or pick fights. In the end, your partner is your best ally, especially during the holiday season, so don’t turn on him because you’re so unhappy about being where you are.[3]
Part2

Staying Busy

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    Find something useful to do. The key to keeping your calm is to stay busy. Of course it’ll be harder to deal with your in-laws if you have something else to do besides sit next to them and wait to get annoyed or offended. Maybe their lawn needs raking. Maybe you’ve been meaning to show your wife’s grandfather how to work his new DVD player. Maybe you told your mother-in-law that you would help bake dessert this year. Finding an activity to do can help you bond with your in-laws, find common ground, and stay focused on something other than the tension in the air.

    • If you’re helping out around the house, not only will you be distracted, but your in-laws will have to like you at least a little more for helping.
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    Plan a fun activity. Plan something for the whole family to do that doesn’t cause a stir or take hours to explain. Maybe you can all play a simple fun board game before your Christmas meal, or you can all go for a walk after Thanksgiving dinner. As long as your in-laws don’t see the activity as a way of taking over their usual plans, they will be grateful that you found something fun and different to do. Just check in with your spouse and your in-laws in advance to make sure that you won’t be stepping on any toes.
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    Share traditions. If your in-laws are visiting you, then you can make sure to incorporate some of their traditions into your celebration, whether it’s saying certain prayers, making certain foods, or listening to Christmas carols. Maybe your in-laws like watching football before the Thanksgiving meal; would it kill you to turn on the television? Including your in-laws’ traditions in your own celebrations will make them feel more included and happier to be visiting you.[4]

    • If you’re visiting your in-laws, then maybe you can share one of your family’s traditions with them, as long as it doesn’t get in their way. This can be something small, like bringing a potato dish that has been in your family for generations.
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    Keep them talking. This is another way to stay busy and active during your time with your in-laws. Your holiday will be a lot more fun if you’re not spending the whole time sitting together in awkward silence. Ask polite, friendly questions to make your in-laws feel welcome. Ask them about their jobs, their pets, their plans for the weekend, or about any recent trips they took. Don’t make them feel like they’re getting interviewed, but make sure to ask questions about their lives and to show genuine interest in their answers.[5]

    • If the question thing is getting old, you can also share some of your own experiences. Consider the stories you’ll tell in advance to make sure that they are appropriate.
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    Plan for some time off if you’ll need it. Maybe you know that after four hours with your father-in-law, your head will be pounding. It’s okay to admit that before the big day — better, in fact, than being in denial about the space you’ll need. So, make sure you can plan for a quick activity: stepping out to call your folks, going to the store to pick up some extra food or drinks, or taking your kids to the playground. Tell people about it in advance so it won’t look weird when you go off on your own for a little while later that day.

    • Remind yourself that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking some time away from your in-laws. This will be less insulting than sitting next to them, writhing with anger the whole time.
Part3

Keeping It Cordial

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    Stay interested. Part of the reason that you may not get along with your in-laws is because they may suspect that you don’t really care for them. Even if this is the case, if you want to get along and want things to be as pleasant as possible, then you have to smile at them, make eye contact, make small talk, and stay invested in your time together. Don’t spend your time on your phone or checking your work email or reading a book in the corner of the room. Instead, be there with them and show that you value your time together — however hard that may be.

    • Just bite your tongue and stop looking around the room for something better to do. This is your family now, and there is no escape.
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    Give a special gift. Giving your in-laws a nice gift can make them feel more welcome and happier to be in your presence. Make sure that the gift is appropriate and not too expensive, and ask your spouse what he or she thinks will be best. Maybe you can get a nice bottle of wine for your mother and father in law, or a nice set of golf balls, or even a painting you loved. Make sure it’s something they would actually like and that it wouldn’t make them feel obligated to return the favor.[6]

    • If you find a gift that works, you can give a version of it every time — a nice bowl, beer stein, leather-bound book, etc. This also establishes a new tradition and will make your family feel more like a unit.
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    Avoid arguing. Sure, you may not see eye-to-eye with your in-laws about, well, anything at all, but does that mean you have to argue about it? Of course not. Arguing won’t make anything better, and you won’t be able to convince anyone of how right you really are. Instead, you’ll just be creating tension, angering your spouse, and making the situation even more difficult. This isn’t the time to show off how much you know or to put people in their place; it’s just the time to get along.

    • If you can’t say something nice, stay quiet. This may be difficult, but it’s much better than fighting.
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    Don’t “teach.” This is not the time to tell your mother or father-in-law what the political situation in your country is really like, why such and such proposition should be banned, or why your method of cooking a turkey is superior to theirs. Nobody likes a stubborn son-or-daughter in law, and you will only look like a know-it-all, not like someone who is making an effort to get along with his family. You may know that your opinion or way of doing things can be considered superior by many people, but your in-laws won’t change their minds and they certainly won’t appreciate your attempts to “help” them.
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    Don’t be picky. Okay, so maybe you only drink Cabernet from the best that Napa Valley has to offer, and your mother-in-law only drinks wine from a box. Does that mean you should turn it down? Absolutely not. Just go with the flow and don’t have a reputation for being a stick-in-the-mud. Sure, you won’t get the luxuries you’re used to around your own parents or in your own home, but that doesn’t mean you should be stuck up about it.

    • If you really have to have certain foods or drinks, then offer to contribute to the holiday meal. Then you can have what you like without complaining about what your in-laws have to offer. Still, though, you should accept whatever they offer you.
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    Excuse yourself if things get heated. If you see yourself getting angry about one of your father in law’s comments, or on the verge of getting in a brawl with your sister-in law, then it’s time to excuse yourself for a little bit. Say you need to get some fresh air, make an excuse about calling in to work, or even just spend five minutes in the bathroom, staring at your own reflection. This is not a sign of weakness — it’s actually a sign of strength. Taking some time to yourself will give you the time to calm down and the perspective you need to approach the situation with a level head.

    • Take a few deep breaths before engaging in a conversation that you know will make you angry. This simple trick will keep you from saying something you don’t want to say.
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    Give sincere compliments. Don’t give your in-laws stupid flattery that you don’t really mean. However, you should find something nice that you could legitimately tell them to make them feel like you are happy to be around them. If they have you over, compliment a new piece of furniture they got, or make sure to say that the food tastes lovely without overdoing it. If your mother-in-law got a new perm or your father-in-law lost weight, compliment them on how great they look. Everyone likes a good compliment and who knows, you might even get one in return.

    • If you find it really hard to compliment your in-laws, then you can prepare some comments to make in advance. This may feel forced, but it’ll lead to better morale.
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    Thank your in-laws for a wonderful time. Even if you had a mediocre, painful, or awkward night, at the end of the holiday, thank your in-laws for having you over or for making the trek out to your place. Even if you don’t mean it, getting into the habit of being nice to them will make it easier for you to eventually find some common ground. They will remember you as being more polite than last time, and who knows, they may even leave with some fond memories of the experience — and so will you.

About the Author Dan Keil